


The Limitations of Machine Learning

by Spiderlass



Series: Tales From Duckburg! [8]
Category: Darkwing Duck (Cartoon 2018), DuckTales (Cartoon 2017)
Genre: ADHD Character, Autistic Character, Established Relationship, M/M, Meet the Teacher Night, adhd Gosalyn, and yes I've written a paper on this subject, autistic Drake, autistic/adhd Launchpad, if it helps I felt very bad while writing that part, trans male drake, violence towards robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-11-28 17:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20970419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiderlass/pseuds/Spiderlass
Summary: It's Meet the Teacher Night- the first since the Mallard-McQuack family became, well, a family. Unfortunately, a new idea from the school board means that Gosalyn has to spend it doing a bonding activity with a classmate in the gym.At least this Boyd Drake kid isn't a total goober.





	The Limitations of Machine Learning

“Okay, LP, here we go!” Drake started as they got out of the car. “It’s go time, now or never!”

“Right! Gotta show ‘em what we got!”

“Show ‘em what we’re made of!”

“Uh, guys?” Gosalyn started as she walked over to them. “You know that it’s just Meet the Teacher Night, right? It’s not a matter of life or death.”

“W-Well, maybe not, but- but still! It’s important! We need to make a good impression on your teacher!”

“I don’t think I’ve had a teacher actually like me since kindergarten, dude, I really don’t care.”

“See, that’s exactly why we need to make a good impression! Things are different now, Gos. New parents, new school- it’s a chance to start over! Have a better experience in school!”

Gosalyn gave him a look, then sighed.

“Alright, fine. If it really means that much to you, then I’ll be on my best behavior.”

“Thank you, Gosalyn,” Drake said with a smile before putting his hands on his hips and looking around. “Now, where’s the entrance to this place?”

“Uh, you’re looking at it, Dad.”

Drake blinked, tilting his head slightly at the non-descript brownstone building in front of him.

“Wait, seriously? That’s it? Where’s- where’s the courtyard?”

“The what?”

“The courtyard! Y’know, the place with, with trees and grass and a fountain or something on a path to the school’s entrance? I mean, I thought it was weird that they didn’t have a check-in gate when we came up to the parking lot, but-!” Drake paused when he saw the looks on his partner and daughter’s faces, grinning sheepishly. “Oh, uh... that’s- that’s a private school thing, isn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah, sounds like it.” Gosalyn looked up at Launchpad. “Maybe you should be the one to talk to my teachers, Pops.”

“Hey! Just because I went to private school doesn’t mean I can’t handle talking to your teachers!”

Gosalyn arched an eyebrow.

“Really. Dad, how many kids would you say you had in your class when you were in the fifth grade?”

“Probably around ten including me, why?”

“Yeah, there’s like, twenty other kids in my class.”

_ “What?!  _ That’s completely ridiculous! There’s no way that any one teacher could possibly handle-! You know what, I think I might see your point.”

“Uh-huh. Come on, let’s get going before they lock the doors on us.”

“Wait, they do that here?”

“Yup, definitely want Pops to do the talking,” Gosalyn said as they approached the stairs, brightening before Drake could say anything. “Lena! Violet!” 

“Hey, Gos!” Lena greeted as Gosalyn ran up to her and her sister. “How’s it going?”

“Pretty good, though I’d rather not have to go to school next Monday. Are your dads around?”

“Oh, yes, they’re right over there,” Violet started as she turned around. “Dad! Papa!”

A hummingbird similar in color to Violet and probably closer in age to Donald than Drake peeked out from above the crowd, turning and saying something before emerging with a male robin following behind him.

“Dad, Papa, this is our friend Gosalyn and her parents.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” the robin started as he stuck out his hand. “I’m Jon, this is my husband Charlie.”

“H-Hi, nice to meet you,” Drake replied as he shook his hand. “I’m Drake, this is my partner Launchpad.”

“Haven’t seen you three around before. Did you guys just move into town?” Charlie asked.

“Uh, well, sort of- Launchpad and I lived with his employer’s family for a while, but we just moved into our house.” Drake glanced at the entrance to the school. “So, uh, do- do we just wait for them to call our names, or...?”

Jon and Charlie exchanged amused looks.

“First meet the teacher night?” Jon asked. 

Drake blinked, then flushed, chuckling sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Ah-heh... is it that obvious?”

Charlie laughed, shaking his head as he put a hand on Violet’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, we’ve been doing this since Vi was in kindergarten. The teachers here are really great, and Principal Farnsworth really cares about the kids.”

Drake let out a sigh of relief, then grunted when Gosalyn elbowed him.

“See? I  _ told  _ you it would be okay.”

Drake rolled his eyes, then cleared his throat.

“So, then, we just go in?”

“Pretty much. Come on, we’ll show you where to find the class list.”

Drake smiled as the Sabrewings started walking inside, taking Launchpad’s hand and putting the other on Gosalyn’s back before following them in.

They got about two steps into the school before finding themselves behind a throng of grumbling parents.

“Uh, what’s going on?”

“I’m... not sure,” Jon admitted. “Usually we just look up what class Violet’s in and go to the classroom.”

“Okay!” Drake heard a feminine voice call from beyond the crowd. “Look, I know that this isn’t what we normally do here, but we feel that it’s a wonderful way to help students get to know each other before school starts. Or at least, the school board does. Parents, please head to your children’s classrooms now, and once you’re done, you can head to the gym. Thank you!”

There was some more grumbling, but the crowd eventually dispersed, leaving their two families alone in the hall with a grey-haired male duck in a suit and a brown-haired female duck in a simple blue dress. The female duck sighed, running her hand over her face.

“For the love of... the things I do because elected officials made me.”

“Um... Linda?” Charlie asked, taking a step towards her. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, Mr. and Dr. Sabrewing! And you two must be Mr. Mallard and Mr. McQuack, right?”

“Um, yeah, that’s us,” Launchpad replied. “Principal Farnsworth, right?”

“Yes, that’s me. And this is Vice Principal Banjo.”

“Er, wonderful to meet you. Um, may I ask why we’d need to go to the gym after meeting our child’s teacher?”

Farnsworth sighed, shaking her head.

“The school board decided that this year, while parents are meeting with the teachers, the students should gather in the gymnasium to get to know each other.”

“What?!” All seven of them exclaimed.

“But- but Principal Farnsworth, school starts in less than a week!” Violet argued. “What’s the point of making us group up now?”

“Yes, Violet, I know, but I couldn’t convince the school board. Look, I don’t like it either, and hopefully they’ll realize what a... er, nevermind. Anyway, why don’t you, Gosalyn, and... I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met, young lady.”

“Lena. Lena Sabrewing. I’m Violet’s sister.”

Farnsworth blinked, then shrugged. 

“Well, alright, but I don’t think you’re enrolled here, so I suppose you’ll have to come with your-!”

“Lena stays with me,” Violet interrupted, stepping in front of her sister protectly.

“Violet-!”

“She stays with me.”

Farnsworth paused, then sighed, shaking her head.

“Oh, alright, I suppose there’s no harm in that. Anyway, you three should head to the gym.”

Gosalyn looked over at Drake, an unsure expression on her face, and Drake gave her the most reassuring smile he could.

“It’ll be fine. We’ll come and get you as soon as we’re done.”

Gosalyn still looked unsure, but turned to follow Violet and Lena, waving at them as she walked away. Drake waved back, then sighed.

“Well, at least it can’t get worse, right?”

“Uh, I wouldn’t count on that,” Jon started from over by the class list. “It looks like Gosalyn’s in Mrs. Pete’s class.”

“Oof. Tough luck, guys,” Charlie added with a wince.

“What? What’s so bad about-?”

“Mr. Mallard? Mr. McQuack?” 

Launchpad and Drake turned, and Drake had to resist the urge to flinch when he saw the stern-looking, red-haired female cat standing outside a classroom, arms folded across her chest.

“Er, yes, that’s- that’s us.”

“Wonderful. Are you going to join us in the classroom, or are you going to stand there chatting like gossipy hens?”

Drake winced, tugging on the collar of his shirt nervously.

“We’ll- we’ll be in right away, ma’am.”

“Hmph,” Mrs. Pete replied before turning back into her classroom. 

Drake sighed, glancing up at Launchpad.

“You think it’s too late to homeschool?”

* * *

The gym was full of kids, ranging in age from a bunch of crying kindergarteners to disinterested eighth graders.

“Geez, I feel like I’m back at the orphanage,” Gosalyn muttered. “See any of your friends, Vi?”

“No, Webby doesn’t go to public school, remember?”

“Well, yeah, but-!” Gosalyn paused at the blank look on Violet’s face, then cleared her throat and looked away. “Uh, nevermind. So what are we supposed to do here?”

Violet pointed at a table on the other side of the gym, where a bored-looking duck who was so musclebound that he couldn’t be anything but a gym teacher sat.

“It seems like we’re supposed to go over there and check in.”

“Might as well,” Gosalyn muttered as they walked across the gym, Violet clearing her throat when they arrived at the table.

“Excuse me, Mr. Harris?”

“Oh, it’s you. Uh... what’s your name again?”

“Violet Sabrewing. As I’ve told you every year since I started kindergarten.”

“Right, right, you’re the girl who refused to do the square-dancing unit,” Mr. Harris mumbled as he flipped through the packet in front of him. “Sabrewing, Sabrewing... hm. Welp, sorry about this, kid.”

“Sorry about what-?”

“DOOFUS!” Mr. Harris shouted as he looked over his shoulder. “Doofus, your buddy’s here!”

Gosalyn blinked as a rotund, glasses-wearing duck with a scowl on his face walked over to them. She frowned, shooting a look at the gym teacher.

“Hey, you can’t just call a kid a doofus!”

“Can if it’s his name,” Mr. Harris replied.

“Wha- wait, wait, wait, your- your name is  _ Doofus?”  _ Lena asked, sounding incredulous. “Like, your actual,  _ legal  _ name, like on your social security or whatever?”

“It is,” Doofus replied, folding his arms across his chest. “Doofus Drake.”

There was a pause before Lena and Gosalyn both burst out laughing, Lena leaning on Gosalyn when she doubled over. Even Violent chuckled, shaking her head.

“And  _ what,  _ may I ask, is so funny about my name? I’ll have you know that it was specially chosen for me by my beloved G’mee’mama!”

Gosalyn and Lena both howled with glee, tears forming in Gosalyn’s eyes.

_ “Ugh.  _ I  _ told  _ Louise and Nicholas that public school would be a waste. But noooo, they want me to ‘socialize with my peers’ or some nonsense, even though my  _ peers  _ are certainly not  _ this  _ bunch of commoners!”

Both Gosalyn and Lena abruptly stopped laughing.

“Hey! We’re not commoners!” Gosalyn argued.

Doofus rolled his eyes.

“Compared to me,  _ everyone  _ is a commoner.” He sighed, turning around. “Come along then, Viola.”

“It’s  _ Violet.” _

“Whatever. Come on, might as well get this nonsense over with.”

Lena walked up to her sister’s side as Doofus walked away, and Gosalyn saw her hands start to glow.

“I’m gonna launch that snob into the ceiling tiles.”

“No, Lena.” Violet paused. “... not  _ yet,  _ anyway.”

Lena groaned, but the glow faded as Violet shot an apologetic look over her shoulder. 

“Sorry, Gosalyn. Good luck with your buddy!”

Gosalyn forced a smile as they walked away, waving before sticking her hands in the pockets of her hoodie with a sigh.

“Okay, Mr. Harris, who’s my-?”

“Hi!” A grey-feathered parrot in a bow-tie greeted loudly, his face suddenly very close to hers. “I’m Boyd! Boyd Drake!”

_ “Ack!”  _ Gosalyn stumbled back, eyes going wide. She looked him up and down as he stuck out his hand to her. “Uh...”

“You’re Gosalyn, right? Gosalyn McQuack, fifth grade!”

“Uh... yeah,” she replied as she shook his hand. “How do you know all that?”

“Oh, I saw your name on the class list! We’re in the same class, isn’t that cool?”

“Er... I guess so.” She looked over at Mr. Harris. “Is this my buddy?”

“Yep. Can you two move it, you’re holding up the line.”

Gosalyn resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“Alright, fine, whatever. Boyd, you have any idea what we’re doing here?”

“Indeed I do! We’re meant to be solving a series of puzzles together!”

He gestured out in front of them, where Doofus, Violet, and Lena were attempting to solve a puzzle that seemed to involve a keyboard and a hand mirror. Violet was inspecting the mirror when Doofus started slamming the keys down, which was apparently enough for the woman dressed like a hippy attempting to be somewhat professional (probably the art teacher) at the station to quickly check the puzzle off their list- probably so he’d stop doing that.

“Wonderful job, Doofus!” Boyd called. 

In response, Doofus glared at him before saying something to Violet and Lena that made both of them glare at him as he walked to the next station. Lena’s hand started glowing again, but Violet waved her off as they followed him.

“Uh, do you know that guy?”

“Oh, yes! He’s my older brother.”

Gosalyn blinked, then glanced between Boyd and Doofus a few times and arched an eyebrow.

“I’m adopted,” he elaborated.

“Oh. So am I.”

“Wow, we have so much in common!” Boyd said cheerfully; if he was being at all sarcastic, Gosalyn couldn’t tell. “Well, come on! When we finish the course, we get special  _ stickers!” _

“Oh, joy,” Gosalyn muttered as she followed Boyd over to the first station. “So, uh, what exactly are we supposed to do here?”

“You have to use the mirrors to figure out what the right melody on the keyboard is,” the teacher explained.

“And how do we do that?”

The teacher shook her head.

“Gonna have to figure it out yourself.”

“Wow,  _ that’s  _ helpful.”

“Never fear, Gosalyn!” Boyd said cheerfully as he picked up the mirror. “You see, it’s actually quite simple.”

“How so?”

“Look closer at the keyboard. What do you see?”

Gosalyn blinked, then squinted at the keyboard.

“Uh... an instrument I don’t know how to play?”

“No, above the keys! See, there’s a little mirror taped on right there!”

“Huh. Well, what do we do with that?”

“I’m glad you asked!” Boyd angled the mirror towards the lights overhead. “You see, if we angle the mirrors just right, then...”

Suddenly, a bunch of keys in the center of the keyboard changed color, a pale rainbow appearing over them.

“We see a rainbow! A whole octave of color!”

“Whoa,  _ cool!  _ But, uh, how do we know what the right order is?”

Boyd opened his mouth to answer, then closed it, narrowing his eyes and pressing a finger against his beak. 

“Hmm... maybe...” Boyd walked over to the keyboard, putting the mirror on the table next to it. He took a breath, then put his fingers on the keys.  _ “Red, yellow, green, blue, blue, blue. Red, purple, green, yellow, orange, red, red. Red, yellow, green, blue, blue, blue. Red, purple, green, yellow, orange, red, red.” _

“You got it!” The teacher exclaimed, sounding surprised. “Wow, I really didn’t think kids your age would know the Spectrum Song!”

“The what?” Gosalyn asked.

“The Spectrum Song! It was this silly song from an educational special they used to play when I was a kid. I think it was called  _ an Adventure in Color.  _ It was hosted by some weird Austrian dude. Think it was from the fifties and they just kept digging it out for younger kids. Anyway, good job, kid!”

“Thank you!” Boyd chirped, holding out their checklist for her to take.

“So, uh, do you watch a lot of old edutainment specials or something?” Gosalyn asked.

“Huh?”

“Well, you knew the song, right? So you must have seen the show.”

Boyd blinked, then frowned.

“I... no, I don’t- I don’t remember ever seeing anything called  _ an Adventure in Color.” _

“Huh? But you knew the song.”

“I... I did, but I don’t... I don’t remember  _ where  _ I heard it, I just...  _ knew  _ it.”

Boyd looked increasingly uncomfortable, and Gosalyn quickly cleared her throat.

“Well, uh, you musta- musta heard it on some kids’ album or something. Anyway, you cleared the first puzzle, so we can move on.”

“Oh, um, right!” Boyd said, quickly perking up. “R-Right, let’s- let’s go! Maybe this one will be about something you’re knowledgeable on!”

“Yeah, I doubt they’re going to have a puzzle involving professional wrestling, dude.”

“Oh! You like wrestling?”

“Yeah.” Gosalyn narrowed her eyes. “What, you got a problem with that?”

“Not at all! I’m afraid I don’t know anything about it, though. Perhaps you could tell me some time!”

Gosalyn blinked, eyebrows rising into her hairline.

“Wh- really?”

“Of course! I always enjoy learning new things, and I’d love to know more about your interests!”

Gosalyn blinked, then smiled just a little, shoving him gently before walking towards the next station.

“Well... maybe I’ll let you in on just  _ a few _ industry secrets. Uh, you already know about kayfabe, right?”

“No, who’s that?”

“Well, first, kayfabe isn’t a person, it’s a concept. See, pro wrestling is  _ scripted-  _ not  _ fake,  _ cause you can still do a lotta damage even if you’re careful...”

They managed to get through the majority of the puzzles fairly easily- Boyd apparently had a vast supply of knowledge about a bunch of random subjects, and Gosalyn was able to think outside the box when he got stuck. She had just gotten to explaining the fallout of the Montreal Screwjob when they reached the second to last puzzle, which involved a computer that was probably about twice her age.

“Uh, they’ve got better stuff in the computer labs here, right?”

“Yeah, but they wouldn’t let me use one of those computers for this,” the teacher at the station replied, not looking up from his phone.

“Well, let’s see what this puzzle entails!” Boyd said cheerfully as he sat down at the desk, wiggling the mouse. “I’m sure it’s something very... interesting...”

“Oh, come on, a  _ reCAPTCHA?”  _ Gosalyn complained, shooting a look at the teacher. “That’s not a puzzle!”

“Look, they only gave me like, thirty minutes to figure something out. I couldn’t exactly program a whole game in that time.”

Gosalyn rolled her eyes, then sighed.

“Well, whatever, at least it won’t take long, right, Boyd?” 

Boyd didn’t answer; when she looked at him, he was staring at the screen with wide eyes.

“Uh, Boyd? You okay there, pal?”

“... I... I don’t... I can’t...”

Gosalyn frowned, looking at the screen, which displayed a bunch of bold, lowercase letters against a background that looked like a black-and-white version of TV static, except not moving.

“Yeah, I guess that’s a little hard to read. Maybe you’ll find a better one if you hit the... refresh button...” Gosalyn paused, sniffing a bit. “Hey, do you smell something burning-?”

Boyd all but jumped out of the chair, eyes wild and wide.

“Whoa! Dude, what’s up? Are you okay?”

“I-I, I...” Boyd whimpered, bunching up his shorts in his fists. “I-I can’t... I can’t. I can’t do those.”

“You can’t? Why not-?” Gosalyn blinked, then raised her eyebrows when realization struck her. “Oh.  _ Ohhhh.” _

Boyd flinched, looking away.

“Hey, no, it’s cool! One of my other friends has dyslexia too.”

“I-!” Boyd paused, looking back at her. “W-Wait, what?”

“That’s why you can’t read it, right? I know Dewey complains about that all the time.” She sat down at the computer. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of this one.”

“B-But, I- wait, you... you said other friends.”

“Sure did,” Gosalyn replied as she started typing in the letters.

“But then... um, are... are you saying that- that you consider me a friend, too?”

“Uh, yeah,  _ duh,”  _ Gosalyn said as she entered the code, handing the teacher the checklist before turning towards him. “I figure anybody who listens to me talk about the history of pro wrestling long enough to get to Survival Series ‘97 is worth keeping around.”

Boyd blinked, then visibly brightened as Gosalyn got out of her seat, following her over to the last station, which turned out to be right next to the gym teacher’s table. Doofus was jumping for a bell, which was hanging from a bar just out of his reach over a mat on the floor.

“You know, if we-!” Violet started.

“No! I’ll do it myself! I don’t need some  _ girl’s  _ help!” 

Gosalyn made a face as Lena glared at him, lifting her hand again.

“Well, if he wants to get up there so bad-!” She started as her hand began to glow.

“Not yet, Lena,” Violet interrupted.

Lena rolled her eyes, but put her hand down.

“So... what are we supposed to do here?” Gosalyn asked.

“Ring the bell,” Mr. Harris replied.

“That’s not a puzzle.”

“I’m a gym teacher. I don’t  _ do  _ puzzles.” 

Gosalyn blinked, then shrugged.

“Fair point.” She turned to the “puzzle,” where Doofus had flopped onto his back on the mat and was panting. “I’m pretty sure nobody here is tall enough to actually get that on their own, though.”

“Yeah, I know.” He turned back to his magazine. “Just give it a shot using teamwork or whatever, and I’ll give you your stickers.”

“Really? Uh, did you tell Doofus that?”

Mr. Harris snorted.

“I  _ tried.  _ Said he’d never debase himself by teaming up with those commoners or something.”

“... Boyd? Your brother’s a jerk.”

“He’s not a jerk! He’s just... just...” Boyd trailed off, then sighed. “No, you’re right, he’s a jerk.”

Gosalyn snorted, then narrowed her eyes.

“Hm... hey, Lena, Violet? Think you two could get LeBronco James over there off the mat?”

“Uh, sure, Gos,” Lena replied as she and her sister went to grab Doofus by the shoulders.

“Don’t touch me!” He snapped as he sat up, still huffing and puffing as he got to his feet. “I am perfectly capable of moving myself, thank you!”

Lena shot Violet a look as he walked away, rolling her eyes when she shook her head.

“All yours, Gosalyn,” Violet said as she and Lena took a step back.

“Great. Okay, Boyd, here’s what we’re gonna do,” Gosalyn started as she pulled Boyd beneath the bell. “You’re gonna kneel down so I can stand on your shoulders, and I’m gonna hold onto this post here so I won’t fall when you stand up. Then, when I let go, you’re gonna keep your hands on my ankles so that when I reach for the bell, I won’t fall flat on my face. Got all that?”

“Crystal clear!”

“Great!” Gosalyn paused, furrowing her brow as she looked him up and down. “Uh, actually, are you gonna be able to handle my weight? No offense, but you’re kinda scrawny, dude.”

“Oh, don’t worry! I’m much stronger than I look!”

Gosalyn hesitated, then shrugged, pulling off her hoodie and tossing it to the side.

“Alright, if you say so.”

Boyd knelt down, and she grabbed the pole as she stepped onto his shoulders, taking a deep breath as his hands wrapped around her ankles.

“Okay, on the count of three, stand up. One... two... three!”

She held on tight as he stood, and to her surprise he had no trouble keeping his balance as she straightened.

“Okay, great! Gonna let go on the count of three. One... two... three!”

She let go of the pole, then reached as far as she could without falling over, the bell remaining just out of her reach each time she swiped at it.

“Aw, man, it’s still too high!” She sighed, shaking her head. “Well, Boyd, we did our best. I’ll hop down on-!”

“Hold on, Gosalyn! I have one more idea!”

“Uh... does it involve getting on your tiptoes, cause that seems like a bad idea.”

“No, but I’m going to need you to brace yourself!”

“Brace myself for what  _ whoa!” _

Boyd’s hands suddenly moved from her ankles to under her feet, lifting her up so high and so quickly that she had to grab the bar to keep her balance.

Wait.

“Whoa! Keen gear, dude, you weren’t kidding when you said you were stronger than you look!” She grinned down at him, then tilted her chin up in a smirk as she rang the bell. “Looks like we solved your bell puzzle!”

“Sure did. Need any help getting down?” Mr. Harris asked.

“Nope!” She said as she grabbed the bar with both hands. “Boyd, let go and get out of my way!”

“Um, alright...”

Boyd released her, walking over to the side. Gosalyn took a breath, then swung back and forth from the bar, letting go when she was high enough. She did a flip in the air, landing on her feet and thrusting her hands into the air.

“Ta-da!”

Boyd cheered as he and Violet applauded, and Lena whistled before joining them. Gosalyn bowed exaggeratedly.

“Whoa, nice moves, kid! You do gymnastics or something?” Mr. Harris asked.

“Or something,” she replied, certain that telling him she’d pestered her superhero dad into teaching her how to do a flip in the air would go down like a lead balloon.

“Well, you rang the bell. Here’s your stickers.”

He held out a small sheet of paper with two gold stars on it, and Gosalyn grinned at Boyd as they took theirs. Boyd placed his on his shirt, while Gosalyn just put hers on her hand.

“No!” Doofus shouted behind them; when she looked over, he was literally  _ red  _ with anger. “No, no, no, no! It’s not  _ fair!  _ You two were  _ behind  _ us, you shouldn’t have gotten your stickers first!”

“Well, we wouldn’t have if you’d just worked with your partner,” Gosalyn pointed out.

“You- you-! I shouldn’t even  _ be  _ here! This is all  _ your  _ fault!” Doofus snapped, pointing at Boyd as he stormed over to them. “Everything was  _ perfect  _ before you came along and  _ ruined my life!  _ If it wasn’t for you, I’d still have all the money, and Louise and Nicholas wouldn’t have even  _ thought  _ about sending me here with you!”

“Doofus, our parents told you to call them Mom and Dad-!”

“I’ll call those  _ idiots _ whatever I like!” Doofus jabbed him in the chest with his finger. “And  _ you  _ shouldn’t be calling them that either! You’re not their  _ real  _ son! You’re not even a real  _ person!” _

Boyd flinched, and Gosalyn grit her teeth, getting between them and pushing Doofus back.

“Hey! Just because you don’t like him doesn’t mean you get to act like he’s not a  _ person!” _

Doofus blinked, then suddenly smirked, light glinting off his glasses.

“Oh. Oh, I see. So he didn’t tell you.”

Gosalyn blinked, furrowing her brow.

“Tell... tell me what?”

Doofus chuckled as he stepped to the side, shaking his head.

“I’m afraid you’re operating under a  _ grave  _ misconception, miss. You see, he may  _ look  _ like a ten-year-old boy, but that? That’s just a ruse.”

“Doofus!” Boyd hissed urgently, an anxious look in his eyes as his brother walked over to him. “Come on, don’t-! Don’t do this here!”

“No, no, I think your new  _ friend  _ here has the right to know just  _ what  _ you are.” He grabbed Boyd’s arm. “Now, watch carefully.”

Before Gosalyn had time to react, Doofus yanked on Boyd’s arm, but instead of sending Boyd tumbling to the floor, his arm actually  _ came off,  _ electricity sparking at the socket.

“You see? He’s nothing but a  _ tin can-!” _

For the record, Gosalyn wasn’t thinking when she lunged at Doofus and knocked him onto the mat. Before he could react, she flipped him onto his stomach, putting one of his arms between her legs and pulling up on it,  _ hard. _

“Whoa!” Mr. Harris yelled, running over and prying her away from Doofus just as the big jerk started to scream. “Hey, no, no fighting! You can’t hit him!”

“The heck I can’t! He just ripped out his brother’s- I don’t know, fancy prosthetic or something!” She glared down at Doofus. “Just because he’s an amputee doesn’t mean that he’s not-!”

“I’m... I’m not an amputee,” she heard Boyd say in a quiet voice, “and that’s not a prosthetic.”

Gosalyn blinked as the gym teacher put her down, watching as Boyd walked over and grabbed his arm. 

“Boyd?”

“He’s... he’s right,” Boyd admitted, looking down. 

“What? Boyd, he’s not- of course you’re a real-!”

“No,” Boyd interrupted as he finally looked up at her, and Gosalyn inhaled sharply when she realized that one of his eyes had turned into some kind of color wheel, like the kind you’d see a mouse cursor turn into when something was loading on a computer. “I’m not. I’m... I’m not a real person, Gosalyn. I’m just... just a  _ machine.” _

Gosalyn swallowed, watching as Boyd attempted to put the arm back in its socket, only for the broken wires to spark when they touched, the arm falling out a second later. 

“Boyd-!”

“I’m,” Boyd started, voice glitching slightly. “I’m not, not real, not a real person, just a program, just- just a machine, not  _ real.” _

Boyd sparked a bit, chest rising and falling as if he were starting to hyperventilate.

“I’m not- not real, just lines and lines of code and programming and databases and and and-!” Boyd jolted, his eyes going dark as green lines of code started running through them. “I’m not- not- not-!”

Gosalyn ran over to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Sparks of electricity stung at her like static shocks, but she didn’t let go, just held on tighter.

“Gos-zzz-lyn? Let- let go, don’t-!”

“You  _ are  _ real,” she said firmly. “You’re a real person, you’re as real as I am. Just because you don’t have blood or organs or whatever doesn’t make you less real- you  _ listen,  _ you make choices, and your emotions are as real as mine are. You are  _ real.” _

Boyd went utterly still, but just as Gosalyn started to wonder if she might have broken him even further, his good arm wrapped around her torso.

“... thanks, Gosalyn.”

Gosalyn grinned as she pulled away.

“Hey, what are friends for?” She frowned as she glanced at his socket. “You, uh, you gonna need some help with that?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll just attach a new one when I get home!”

“A... a new one?”

“Yeah, I’ve been making a lot of extras. He... tends to tear off parts of me when he’s mad.”

Gosalyn blinked, then inhaled sharply, shooting at glare at Doofus; she was pleased to note that Violet and Lena were also glaring at him.

“... Lena.”

“Yeah, Vi?”

“Do you see the large box full of basketballs?”

“Sure do.”

“Feel free to throw him in there.”

Lena blinked, then grinned.

“With  _ pleasure.”  _ Her hands started glowing as she lifted them, eyes turning purplish-pink as an aura the same color surrounded Doofus.

“Wait, what- nonononono-!”

He screamed as Lena threw him across the gym, landing in the basketball box just as the gym doors opened to reveal a crowd of parents.

“Whoa! What the heck was... uh... Gosalyn?” Her dad started when he saw her standing next to a still-armless Boyd.

“Oh, uh, hey, Dad! So, this is my new friend Boyd.”

“Hello!” Boyd greeted, using his good arm to move his detached arm like he was waving.

“... yeah, I’m gonna need more explanation than that.”

“I was afraid of that.”

* * *

Drake took a deep breath.

“Okay. Let me see if I have this straight. You were partnered up with a boy who turned out to be an android.”

“Yup.”

“You became friends with this android.”

“Uh-huh.”

“This android’s older brother tore his arm off.”

“He did.”

“So you tackled him and tried to put him in the- what did you call it?”

“The Disarm-her. It’s Becky Lynx’s signature submission technique.”

“Right, right.” Drake sighed. “Okay, first- no fighting at school, and  _ definitely  _ no using wrestling moves on other people.”

Gosalyn arched an eyebrow.

“You used a whole buncha wrestling moves on your brother last week.”

“... okay, fair, but still! Don’t do that! You’re just lucky the school was so understanding.” Drake grimaced, rubbing his temples. “The boy’s parents, on the other hand-!”

“Excuse me, are you Gosalyn McQuack’s fathers?”

Drake jumped, looking over with wide eyes at the stout, brunette duck standing next to Boyd.

“Oh, um, yes, yes we are,” he started. “And you must be...?”

“Louise. Louise Drake. I’m Doofus and Boyd’s mother.”

“Oh... look, we’re really sorry about what happened,” Launchpad added. “Rest assured, we’ll talk to her to make sure this never happens-!”

“Oh, no no no!” Louise interrupted, waving her hands. “I don’t want you to  _ punish  _ Gosalyn for this at all! I wanted to thank her!”

Drake blinked, exchanging a look with Launchpad.

“Wait, what?”

“Well, I mean, of course it’s not great that she hit him, but I’m perfectly aware that Doofus was the instigator here.”

“You... you believe me?” Gosalyn asked, sounding shocked.

Louise sighed, shaking her head.

“Trust me, I know what my older son is capable of. He’s had... some behavioral issues since his grandmother passed away.”

“Oh, well, that’s- I’m sorry to hear that. I suppose grief  _ can  _ manifest in unexpected ways.”

“Actually, I think it’s less grief and more the fact that she made him the sole recipient of her entire fortune. It... went to his head.” She smiled, ruffling Boyd’s hair. “But that’s less of a problem since Boyd came along.”

“Huh?”

“Well, since G’mee’mama stated she wanted her money to go to her grandchild, and being adopted by her son makes me her grandchild, half that money is mine,” Boyd explained. “Which means he can’t treat our parents like servants anymore!”

“... what?” Gosalyn asked.

“It’s... a long story,” Louise said before smiling. “Anyway, thank you for standing up for Boyd, Gosalyn. It’s nice to see him make friends.”

“Oh, uh, no problem.” Gosalyn frowned. “Er... what’s gonna happen now? I mean, you still have to live with him, right, Boyd?”

“I’m afraid not,” Louise replied. “We were hoping that being around children his own age would help Doofus return to the sweet, fun-loving boy he used to be, but it seems he’s not going to be able to do that without some intervention. A year at a therapeutic boarding school might do him some good.”

“So... he’s  _ not  _ gonna be going to school here?”

“No.”

“Oh thank god,” Gosalyn breathed. 

Louise chuckled, shaking her head.

“I think we’re all going to be better for it. Well, it was lovely meeting you, but we should probably get home before Doofus tries to call his lawyer again.”

“He has a lawyer?”

“He did. Thankfully, he’s been disbarred. Come on, Boyd, let’s go home.”

“Okay! Bye, Gosalyn! See you in class!” 

“Bye, Boyd!” She called as they walked away, waving before looking at Drake and Launchpad with a pensive expression. “So, uh... am I in trouble?”

“Well... I suppose I’d be a bit of a hypocrite if I punished you for standing up for someone who needed help.” He put his hands on his hips. “But I mean it, no fighting at school, and  _ definitely  _ no wrestling moves on other kids.”

“Deal!” She hopped down from the steps. “Now come on! I’m starving, and Pops promised we could drive through Hamburger Hippo on the way home!”

“Wh-  _ Launchpad!” _

“What, you wanted to make dinner after all that?”

“... okay, fair.”

* * *

“You have your lunch.”

“Yup.” 

“Your notebooks.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Phone and charger?”

“Yes, Dad.”

“And you know our numbers in case of emergency?”

_ “Yes,  _ Dad.”

“And you have your-!”

“Dad,” Gosalyn interrupted, giving him a look. “Seriously. I’m gonna be  _ fine.  _ Geez, you’re acting like it’s  _ your  _ first day of school here.”

Drake blinked, then laughed sheepishly.

“I-I know, I know, I just... I want you to have a good first day.”

Gosalyn sighed, then walked over and pulled him down into a hug.

“Dad, it’s gonna be fine. I’ve got all the stuff I need, and I’ve got an actual  _ android  _ in class with me if something goes wrong. I will be okay.”

After a moment, Drake smiled and hugged her back.

“Thanks, Gosalyn. Sorry I was kinda freaking out.”

“Eh, you’re not any worse than Pops was this morning before he went to work.”

Drake laughed, pulling back and ruffling her hair just as they heard a honk from outside.

“Well, that’s- that’s the bus.”

“Sure is. Will it make you feel better if you see me get on?”

“You know, I think it will,” he said, allowing her to lead him out the door. A window on the bus went down, revealing Boyd.

“Hi, Gosalyn! I saved you a seat!”

She grinned and waved at him, then gave Drake one more quick hug.

“Bye, Dad! Love you!” She called as she started running down the steps.

“I love you too!” He called.

Gosalyn stopped just as she was about to climb onto the bus, turning around and looking at him again.

“Everything okay, kiddo-?”

Gosalyn ran back towards him, hugging him tightly around the waist. Drake blinked, then smiled softly, kneeling down when she let him go.

“Hey. You’re gonna do great.”

Gosalyn scoffed, but her eyes were a little shiny.

“Uh, yeah,  _ duh.  _ I’m  _ awesome,  _ remember?”

Drake laughed, ruffling her hair and pressing a kiss to her forehead before hugging her one more time.

“I mean it, Gosalyn. I love you.”

“To the moon and back?” She asked quietly.

“To the end of the universe and back,” he replied. “You’re my whole world, kiddo.”

Gosalyn hugged him tighter.

“I love you too, Dad.”

The bus driver honked.

“Okay, okay!” Gosalyn shouted as she pulled away, not-so-surreptitiously wiping at her eyes. “I- I gotta go.”

“I know you do. And I’ll be here waiting when you get back.”

She hesitated, grabbing at the straps of her backpack.

“You promise?”

“Scout’s honor.”

She laughed, then groaned when the bus driver honked again.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming!” She grinned at him. “Bye, Dad. Don’t burn down the house while I’m gone!”

“I’ll do my best!” He called as she ran over to the bus, getting on this time. He watched as she sat down next to Boyd, then watched as the bus pulled away, waiting until it turned a corner and disappeared out of sight to go back into the house.

Which was right when he came face to face with one of S.H.U.S.H’s communication drones.

“Whoa!”

_ “Darkwing! Is that you?” _

“Uh, yes, sir, Director Hooter! What, what can I do you for?”

_ “We need you at S.H.U.S.H HQ, stat! There’s been sightings of Admiral Antarctic nearby!” _

“Oh, uh, right away, sir!” He saluted, then immediately felt ridiculous when he remembered that the drone was audio only. It didn’t matter, since the drone flew out the front door without so much as a goodbye from the director. He sighed, then shook his head, running over to the blue armchair.

Moments later, he was grinning from ear to ear as he got on the Ratcatcher, revving the engine.

_ “Let’s. Get. Dangerous.” _

* * *

_ “... this just in, yet another super-powered villain has been apprehended by the vigilante known only as Darkwing Duck! Admiral Antarctic was spotted robbing a bank in St. Canard when the masked mallard swooped in, preventing the theft of thousands of dollars and many cases of hypothermia. When asked for comment, Darkwing had this to say.” _

_ “Oh, well, it’s- it’s really just great to be helping people. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always dreamed of being a hero. In fact, I was actually inspired by the old TV show from the nineties- I always idolized the main character-!” _

He growled, lobbing the remote right at the TV and shattering the screen.

“You little  _ usurper!  _ How  _ dare  _ you act like you respected me when you’re out there pretending that you’re- you’re-!” He grabbed the table, hurling it at the side of his lair.  _ “Damn you!” _

He huffed, then started to laugh, shaking his head.

“You... you took  _ everything  _ from me. My fame... my reputation... my  _ fans...  _ you even took my  _ identity.  _ And you have the  _ audacity  _ to run around pretending you’re a hero, when you’re nothing but a two-bit  _ thief!” _

He cackled, walking over to the storage box and admiring his brand new toys.

“But oh, you’d better enjoy the spotlight while you still can,  _ little boy.  _ Because soon? Soon, I’ll be ready to make my grand return.”

Negaduck laughed as he picked up the chainsaw, revving it a few times.

“Because then? Then it’ll be  _ all eyes on me.” _

**Author's Note:**

> >:3c
> 
> I'm sorry this one's a little late! I've been having some computer issues the past few days, so I wasn't able to finish writing it as soon as I normally would. 
> 
> Anyway, the title is an extremely dorky reference to the thing I'm actually going to be paid to do one day, because I'm not actually getting paid to yell about wrestling and write about cartoon ducks, though I would take that job in a heartbeat. In a nutshell: Machine learning is the scientific study of algorithms and statistical models that computer systems use to perform a specific task without being given clear instructions, using patterns and inference instead. It is used for many things- in my field, which is social data analytics, machine learning is used to train robots (in this case, computer programs, not androids like Boyd) how to analyze large amounts of data and sort it, like with sentiment analysis, which is where a robot will scan large amounts of data on a single topic (for example, a topic on Twitter) and sort them into negative or positive categories based on certain key words. 
> 
> And yes, I did write a paper on this topic. It was a year ago, and it was looking at the state of machine learning when it came to detecting sarcasm or whatever you'd classify the "this is fine" meme as. My conclusion: needs work.
> 
> Relating to that, the reason that Boyd knows the Spectrum Song is because of my rather dark and almost certainly not canon theory that he's Ludwig Von Drake- or rather, he's based off the code that Ludwig Von Drake became when he uploaded a copy of his mind before his death. It's a long story, but in a nutshell: Ludwig uploaded a copy of himself to live on after death, then forgot to tell anyone, copy gathers dust until Beaks found it, Beaks thinks it's some kind of AI, steals the code to make Boyd. 
> 
> Why, you may ask?
> 
> Well, I can tell you as someone working in data science that coders and programmers? We're lazy as FUCK. If we can find a fix for whatever's broken in our code, we will steal it- and it's encouraged! There are sites dedicated to posting your code for others to tinker with!
> 
> I'll repeat- I do not think this is canon, if only because it's slightly horrifying on an existential level. But having experience with coding myself, and knowing that Beaks will 100% steal other people's work with no remorse, I think it's at least plausible.
> 
> Moving on, for those who recognized her, Gos and Boyd's teacher is in fact Peg Pete, Pete's wife from Goof Troop! I... have no reason for this other than I thought it would be funny. Also, did you know that Pete's actually a cat? Because up until I started researching for this fic, I was convinced he was a dog. Look at his chin! How does that not scream bulldog!
> 
> Ahem. Anyway. Quick wrestling glossary: Becky Lynx is Becky Lynch, current Raw Women's Champ at the time of writing, and the Montreal Screwjob is... well, it's the Montreal Screwjob, and that would require more explanation than I have space here. I'll just say it was the thing that really killed kayfabe dead after Vince exposed the business in '89, and I'll encourage you to look it up if you want to know more.
> 
> That's it for this fic! I will hopefully have the first chapter of the next fic up a lot earlier on Friday, and that should be four chapters long! Thank you so much for all your support!
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


End file.
